Last week on Friday, I realized that I was out of my Citalopram. That meant I went Friday, Saturday, and Sunday without my normal dosage of "keep your shit together."
Of course, I have now contacted my pharmacy and I am waiting for my doctor to approve my request for another three months worth of pills; however, the last few days have been rough to say the least. I have discussed the side effects of going cold turkey in the past, they are not pretty. Stopping Celexa too quickly may cause serious symptoms including: anxiety, irritability, high or low mood, feeling restless or changes in sleep habits. headache, sweating, nausea, dizziness. electric shock-like sensations, shaking, confusion. So, my official breakdown occurred Sunday afternoon while walking the Katy Trail with my fiance. Of course, I could feel this brewing inside of me since early Saturday, but I was not ready to explode until I went a full 3 days without medication. My mother came into town from Alabama on Friday, we had a relaxing evening, and even though I was trying to unwind I could feel the anxiety creeping in. My house was not clean enough, I wanted the weather to be nicer, I was missing my son. Desipramine is available as a brand-name drug called Norpramin. It’s also available as a generic drug. To be honest, I had never heard of Desipramine or Norpramin prior to investigating the world of pharmaceuticals and depression. NORPRAMIN® (desipramine hydrochloride USP) is an antidepressant drug of the tricyclic type, and is chemically: 5H-Dibenz[bƒ]azepine-5-propanamine,10,11-dihydro-N-methyl-, monohydrochloride. Inactive Ingredients The following inactive ingredients are contained in all dosage strengths: acacia, calcium carbonate, corn starch, D&C Red No. 30 and D&C Yellow No. 10 (except 10 mg and 150 mg), FD&C Blue No. 1 (except 25 mg, 75 mg, and 100 mg), hydrogenated soy oil, iron oxide, light mineral oil, magnesium stearate, mannitol, polyethylene glycol 8000, pregelatinized corn starch, sodium benzoate (except 150 mg), sucrose, talc, titanium dioxide, and other ingredients. This drug is most commonly prescribed to treat depression. Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychological counseling or both. During my review of this drug, the lengthy list of side affects was just as overwhelming as other anti-anxiety, anti-depression and mood control drugs. There are also some terrifying studies that have been done on desipramine compared to amphetamines. MORE COMMON SIDE EFFECTS-The more common side effects of desipramine can include:
SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTSCall your doctor right away if you have serious side effects. Call 9-1-1 if your symptoms feel life-threatening or if you think you’re having a medical emergency. Serious side effects and their symptoms can include the following:
My six year old son is currently reading one of several Scholastic series books, There was an Old Lady who Swallowed some Books. For the most part I think that these books are completely ridiculous, but he seems to really enjoy them and they immediately bring something to my mind.The plot of these books are that there is an old lady always swallowing random objects but at the end something is created. We've read several of them, and I often find myself comparing the old lady to me.
I feel I am constantly forcing myself to deal with the anxiety filled knots in my throat and forcing myself to take a big GULP of all the random odds and ends that life throws at me. Instead of swallowing a "pen, pencil case, ruler, folder, chalk and a bag", I am swallowing things that fill me with anxiety. I will keep these things deep down inside of me all week long, then explode into an emotional tantrum on Saturday or Sunday, when I have allowed myself the time and opportunity to simply... be. Sitting in traffic (stressed, frustrated, worried someone will rear end me, worried that there will be an accident) .... at least 3 out of 5 days a week Completing my work tasks... every day of my life Getting home in time to cook dinner, get to the gym, and take care of Grayson.... Penciling in time with my fiance. Figuring out when to grocery shop. Thinking about bills I need to pay. Thinking about money I do not have. I will keep all of these worries deep down inside of my stomach, where they fester and become a monster I cannot control. Then, when I have a moment of weakness, I let them all out. I cry. I panic. My inability to cope with every day life has got to me the most disheartening thing I think about. The fact that I cannot process or handle traffic, that if my schedule and time are not followed precisely that tears fill my eyes... how weak and pathetic that can feel. I have been missing for far too long, and after attempting to leave Citalopram behind, I lost the battle.
While my dosage is now very low (in my opinion), I feel I require it to be a functional adult, mother and partner. Despite my efforts to find a homeopathic, all natural approach to this burden, I have decided to make medicine my new best friend. If the 300 lbs weight could be lifted from my chest, if my head would stop spinning, if my last meal would continue with the digestive process, if my headache would go away, if I could stop shaking my legs and twirling my hair, and where the hell are these tears coming from.... if I could focus and slow down and just breathe... If I could just relax and not feel trapped.
Don't touch me, don't corner me, don't talk to me... This "tantrum" needs to occur. I need to get this out... get all that is inside of me out... I need to scream, cry, and I need to be left alone. I need you to understand that this happens to me and I do not owe you a reason for it, because the truth is, I do not always understand why I am so worked up or what my triggers even are in that moment.... Panic Attack Symptoms
Panic attacks involve sudden feelings of terror that strike without warning. These episodes can occur at any time, even during sleep. People experiencing a panic attack may believe they are having a heart attack or they are dying or going crazy. The fear and terror that a person experiences during a panic attack are not in proportion to the true situation and may be unrelated to what is happening around them. Most people with panic attacks experience several of the followingsymptoms:
It is not clear what causes panic disorder. In many people who have the biological vulnerability to panic attacks, they may develop in association with major life changes (such as getting married, having a child, starting a first job, etc.) and major lifestyle stressors. There is also some evidence that suggests that the tendency to develop panic disorder may run in families. People who suffer from panic disorder are also more likely than others to suffer from depression, attempt suicide, or to abuse alcohol or drugs. Fortunately, panic disorder is a treatable condition. Psychotherapy andmedications have both been used, either singly or in combination, for successful treatment of panic disorder. If medication is necessary, your doctor may prescribe anti-anxiety medications, certainantidepressants or sometimes certain anticonvulsant drugs that also have anti-anxiety properties, or a class of heart medications known as beta-blockers to help prevent or control the episodes in panic disorder. Anxiety ridden, missing Grayson, menstrual, and just overly emotion.........
What do I decide to do? Thankfully, I did schedule a workout with my trainer for this morning, but once that was over, it was all down hill. Post-Workout, Hangry, and Emotional..... We went to Shop N Save. We loaded up on groceries and of all the healthy options, I managed to sneak in container of Oreos to the shopping cart. Not just any Oreos... Limited Edition Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Oreos. Sometimes in life, you have to make really unhealthy but very delicious decisions. This was mine today. In case you missed it, much of Missouri was under a severe thunderstorm warning this evening, as well as the lovely and always expected tornado warning. Rain, thunder, lightening, hail, and the blaring sound of sirens alerting everyone in our apartment complex to TAKE SHELTER NOW. Please keep in mind, that before today, any time a siren has gone off, any time there has been bad weather, NO ONE has joined my fiance, son, fur babies and me in the laundry facility across the hall. All of that changed today. Damn you Missouri, damn your bipolar weather, with its mood swings and bull shit. I am not sure what created more anxiety for me today: Gay Pride STL 2015 and all the hateful ass "Christians" screaming hate as we walked to the parade, the possibility that some Bible thumping homophobic crazies would shoot us all, the chance that a tornado would destroy our home, or the neighbors we spent 56 minutes with inside a tiny laundry room. They were all terrible. Either way, this day required two pills and Gin. Before one of you gets all "Oh poor Lauren, medicating herself inappropriately and handling her stress with alcohol....", SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP, AND READ... Yesterday was a rough day for me. I know that my son will be leaving the state for 17 days, and even when I do not realize his absence is a trigger, it suddenly slaps me in the face and I get all "Nothing better happen to my baby!" in a matter of seconds. I get paranoid, I have nightmares, blah blah blah (see previous blog), and needless to say I become a raging ball of emotion. So, yeah, yesterday was no bueno. (For you non Spanish speaking folk, that means my day sucked ass.) Today, Sunday, Pride Parade ... Yay... right? Of course not. Not until I have screamed at the love of my life and ended the morning in a crying tantrum. But, hey, we actually made it. We got in the car. We drove downtown, We made it to pride. My mother, who only adds to my anxiety, thought she would text me this morning. "Have fun today and be careful. there are lots of sick minds out." And just in case I did not get her text message, she also decided to Facebook message me. Out? Out where? Where are they? Why do you know where these sick minds are? Hmmm, Thanks mother. This is the best thing I could possibly read while removing my 5 year old son from the car, on our way to a huge event with thousands of people, many who hates lesbians and hope I die... I love you. so, yeah, that happened. Back to this severe weather business. Grayson and I both napped for roughly two hours after we got back from Pride, and I finally decided to wake him up. We binge ate burgers and ice cream as a family and it was bath time. Once again, my super positive mother was texting me about bad weather. I was convinced that it had passed us, and then... the sirens went off. Like I said in the beginning, no one ever comes to take cover with our family... until tonight. The following neighbors were in a small room with us..... Upstairs Neighbors: Two women and a pug. Annoying, Loud. East Coast accents. Terrified of bad weather, Smokers. Fast talkers. Husband, Wife, Child. Dad has all the latest updates on his phone. Play by play. Every 30 seconds. Neighbors who do not live in our building: Woman, Baby Daddy, Adorable Child, Grandmother of Child. Grandma knows everything. She is very persistant on letting everyone know the precise location of any possible funnel cloud or tornado within a 50 mile radius. She enjoys running up and down the apartment halls, looking outside, yelling, and ensuring that everyone is frantic. Mom. Dad. Two babies. No one ever speaks. Mom. Dad. 4 year old who continuously kicks the washing machine, and their new 5 day old baby girl. Mom wants to tell everyone about the hospital wanting to keep her an additional day because they think she will suffer postpartum. They named the baby "June", because... it's June. Downstairs neighbors. Two lesbians (not us), their cat and their 3 year old son. Very chill family, but very concerned with the safety and well being of their cat. Mickey Mouse videos loudly playing for their child. Lady with dog on a leash. Smoking in the hall way, and has "no fucks to give".... There were various other neighbors who walked in and out of the room, none that I have ever seen before, but that is besides the point. We spent over 45 minutes with all of these people, in a very hot room, with children screeching and animals hissing and barking, and phone updates, sirens, and pure chaos... so what do I do at minute 14....? I become a classy bitch. I walk back over to our apartment, poor a huge glass of gin over ice with lemon and lime, and walk back to the laundry room. I take a few huge sips and stop giving a shit about all the people we are surrounded by. This was not a time for counting to ten, for taking deep breathes, for writing down my thoughts. This was not a time for taking an extra pill, for listening to Enya, or for taking a bubble bath. This was a moment for me to chug a strong drink and think "Shut the hell up" during a possible tornado. Today was really rough. I prefer to never deal with a day like this again, or ever be trapped with strangers.. like on an island, or in a room, or an elevator, like ever.... ever again. My heart was racing, I was sweating like a lumberjack, and I could not focus on any of the 10 conversations taking place. But guess what? Despite my anxiety, my negativity, my bull shit attitude... We are safe. We are healthy. We are unharmed. Pride was fun. A tornado did NOT destroy our home. Our neighbors were...... tolerable, and well... Gin makes shit okay sometimes. |
Author32 year old mother of one crazy boy, full time career woman, anxiety ridden, compulsive, and irrational decision maker. Married to the love of my life, living the dream on the Gulf Coast. Rescuer of all 4 legged fur babies. Enjoy my ranting. Archives
August 2016
|