Nothing will cause you more anxiety and pain than losing someone you love.....
Despite the every day struggle of getting along with someone, raising a child, going to work and living life, there is nothing more stressful than having a wrench thrown into your normal routine.
On Mother's Day, 2016, I swear someone took the wrench and beat me over the head a few times.
After 8+ years of friendship, living together and being "official" for 5 years, and being engaged for over a year, I am now officially single and in the process of a separation.
This is not a blog to unleash all the gory details of a relationship's end or to even share what has gone on. This blog and this particular snippet is for me to share with you how absolutely frustrating it is to deal with depression and anxiety on a regular basis, then to experience a life change that only amplifies my irrational behavior and extreme emotions.
Blindsided. Absolutely blindsided and completely surrounded by denial and disbelief.
“Just as the body goes into shock after a physical trauma, so does the human psyche go into shock after the impact of a major loss.” —Anne Grant, poet
There are some moments in life that take our breath away. Unfortunately, not all those moments are of the “I’m so happy” kind. Finding out that I would need to prepare for an emotional separation from my partner, that my engagement and future marriage was off, that couple's counseling was NOT an option, and that reconciling was off the table, and that my entire life as I knew it was going to change soon.... that is being blindsided, that is slapped across the face in front of strangers, that is feeling alone, that is feeling trapped, that is feeling lost and defeated.
I immediately put up a wall, almost trying to convince myself this was all a lie, just some nightmare I had. I spent 10 days missing meals, throwing up, shaking and losing sleep. I was exhausted, nervous, on edge, and the tears would not stop pouring down my face. Why was I so upset? So hurt? Was this a good thing, a bad thing, why am I so confused? As an over-thinker and someone who always tries to read into situations, my seams began to unravel and I was losing my mind. Luckily, I had a few moments of empowerment, a few moments where I thought "Get your shit together Lauren! You are not weak and pathetic!" These moments, these feelings are ever changing. I am in an out of denial daily. I pump myself up, then I fall apart.
Today, I made a big decision.
Today, I reached out to a therapist.
I have done a lot on my own during my 29 years. I have also used medication, alcohol, recreational drugs, meditation, journaling, blogging, exercise, and every other technique I could think of, and for the first time in forever, I do not think I can do this... "on my own."
My next few blogs will review my journey with a therapist in order to cope with life, changes, love, heartache, anxiety and depression.
On Mother's Day, 2016, I swear someone took the wrench and beat me over the head a few times.
After 8+ years of friendship, living together and being "official" for 5 years, and being engaged for over a year, I am now officially single and in the process of a separation.
This is not a blog to unleash all the gory details of a relationship's end or to even share what has gone on. This blog and this particular snippet is for me to share with you how absolutely frustrating it is to deal with depression and anxiety on a regular basis, then to experience a life change that only amplifies my irrational behavior and extreme emotions.
Blindsided. Absolutely blindsided and completely surrounded by denial and disbelief.
“Just as the body goes into shock after a physical trauma, so does the human psyche go into shock after the impact of a major loss.” —Anne Grant, poet
There are some moments in life that take our breath away. Unfortunately, not all those moments are of the “I’m so happy” kind. Finding out that I would need to prepare for an emotional separation from my partner, that my engagement and future marriage was off, that couple's counseling was NOT an option, and that reconciling was off the table, and that my entire life as I knew it was going to change soon.... that is being blindsided, that is slapped across the face in front of strangers, that is feeling alone, that is feeling trapped, that is feeling lost and defeated.
I immediately put up a wall, almost trying to convince myself this was all a lie, just some nightmare I had. I spent 10 days missing meals, throwing up, shaking and losing sleep. I was exhausted, nervous, on edge, and the tears would not stop pouring down my face. Why was I so upset? So hurt? Was this a good thing, a bad thing, why am I so confused? As an over-thinker and someone who always tries to read into situations, my seams began to unravel and I was losing my mind. Luckily, I had a few moments of empowerment, a few moments where I thought "Get your shit together Lauren! You are not weak and pathetic!" These moments, these feelings are ever changing. I am in an out of denial daily. I pump myself up, then I fall apart.
Today, I made a big decision.
Today, I reached out to a therapist.
I have done a lot on my own during my 29 years. I have also used medication, alcohol, recreational drugs, meditation, journaling, blogging, exercise, and every other technique I could think of, and for the first time in forever, I do not think I can do this... "on my own."
My next few blogs will review my journey with a therapist in order to cope with life, changes, love, heartache, anxiety and depression.